Saturday, February 19, 2011

The Big "C"
When I started this cape design the big C was for Celtic Cape, now it too is for cancer. I have cancer. Wow those are the hardest words to say. How does one wrap your head around this? I am a Dr. , I understand the medical, but the fear that has gripped me in knots. I am not one that admits to fear, usually look it square in the eye but the enemy is not one i can see. It is within me. Micheala died of breast cancer, I thought that since I tested negative for breast cancer , I was in the clear. I am young, I don't smoke, I don't drink too much. I had my health scare. I am not afraid for me, I am afraid of the terror this will cause my children. For many I am Mom #2, as their Mam's are gone. This is not fair to do to them. How do I tell them, who lost their beloved Mam to cancer that I have this and I won't die on them. How do I make them believe this. So although for many the fear will be this cape, for me the fear is a much higher stake. Back to designing. I need to honour Michael. God I miss him. I miss those dancing green eyes. He is so much the history of this as well. Twas Michael who taught me how to take a punch. Twas he , who slagged me so till I would be about to cry and say suck it up there Red , tis hard enough to go through life with that mop of curls, never let them see you weak. If you are going to go to third world countries and save the world you need a poker face and no matter what they can never see they have frightened you. So I will do pair of men's sock, not as part of the cape but to remind me to suck it up and not let me children see the fear.


  1. You, Meggie, are a shining example to your children, your siblings, your family members, and those of us who are lucky enough to be part of the Ryan family. Wallowing in self-pity is not your style. Your truth shines out from every pore and we can do nothing short of following your example - hope and love and truth will see you through this trial...and you will be an even better person for it (if that is possible).

  2. ah, Meggie. my fear is socks. Tis a silly fear to have, next to the very real fears you face, but I have never done socks nor gloves, nor really anything form-fitting.

    I will knit these socks for Michael and give them to my Dad, who has been asking for socks to go under his leg brace.

    And every stitch I make will send you strength - to fight your cancer, to be brave for your kids and for Micheala's, who are also your kids.

    And this way, hopefully, you will get back a little of what you give so freely!

    (goes to find good white sock yarn and needles)